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i hate feeling wrong for bringing things up at the wrong times. but some times theres things that you just cant hold back. i shouldnt feel sympathy for your fuck up just because you picked a bad time to drop the ball.

time to go try to keep from losing sleep over it.
Suddenly indifference becomes remorse.
i dont know much.
i just know that this sucks.

and theres no resolution in sight.
one step forward and two steps back.

im driving myself insane.

i just gotta do me...
but i dont know what that "me" is...

i feel like blowing up
but instead ill sleep.
i used to inspire highs
and lift the low.
and now i struggle for a good medium.


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today i got a bomb dropped on me.
repressed shit is surfacing.
ive never wanted to find someone so badly
just to beat the shit out of them.
i actually want to get someone jumped.
and i cant do shit because theyre not accessible.

its enraging.
its been a while...
idk what to say...

starting to grow tired of the new york living.
not really just how im living it...

i cant believe that i havent gotten my social security card in the mail yet...
i had hoped that i would be able to have been working by now...
im not sure how long stop and shop is going to hold a job for me. but hoping that will change soon...

my phones going to be shut off soon
my credit cards are over due and over drawn

im losing the ambition i first had when i got here...

hopefully this fucking card comes soon.
because i have nothing.

im starting to have to wash my clothes in a bathtub by hand
and walk 4 miles each way to see any of my friends.
idk how long i can keep this shit up.

and i dont know how im gaining weight but i am
the carpenters need to stop feeding me.

i just need a steady paycheck and a reason to get out of bed.

ugh.

Feb. 10th, 2011

Your promises, they look like lies
Your honesty, like a back that hides a knife
I promise you I promise you
And I am finally free
Been listening to wayyyyy too much hed pe and tech n9ne
they grew on me like a cancer.

this is the current song Ive blasting my eardrums with for the past 20 minutes...




Let's ride yeah everybody gonna die
Fuck the world nigga ain't nobody getting out alive
Let's ride motherfucker we all gonna die
We already dead ain't nobody getting out

I paint a picture that's perfect so you can see what I'm saying
I state it perfectly clearly so that you know I ain't playing
Cause I don't give a fuck about you or that shit that you're saying
Because you caught up in the matrix you blind you sleeping homie
I dream I work I bleed I say things that I don't really mean
But mostly when I drink too much and I'm smoking too much kush and
I'm under too much pressure I think I think too much
I can't find my piece of mind I feel like I'm losing touch

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i dont have to pick and choose lyrics with this one i just like the whole shit...

-------------------------------------------

No video for this one cuz im lazy...
but i love the lyrics

I met a chick named Mary,
baby doll was very persuasive
with the way she spoke.
She said some things I couldnt believe;
she nearly made me choke.

She said she'd take me to a higher heightened life.
I said id rather be grounded

She said that she'd complete me
But I said I was well rounded
She said I never had a friend like her
thatd take away the pain

A friend like her'd give me hella fame
When I said never baby doll was astounded
I already know yo game to drive me to insane
Make me spend all my change
then try taken away my brain
baby girl had light green eyes
and a hardcore frame
she said her name was Mary,
but her last name's Jane,

I'll pass.
I'll pass.
I'll pass.

ill stop blowing up lj...

sorry for the lack of an ljcut.
but as previously stated... im lazy

Jan. 23rd, 2011

Long time no see.

Spontaneous feels so much better than stagnation. You just gotta jump in with both feet. The cold will just awaken all your nerve endings. It feels like being alive again. I hope I never get acclimated to the water. Maybe my body just in shock and I'm blind to the impending doom but if so let me drown with my illusions. Because I've never felt so thirsty and ill gladly pull as much of this frigid water as I can into my lungs and fade to white.

I have 30 dollars to my name for the next 3 weeks and my bed is a couch. A very small one. And I never know what I'm goin to be doing for food or transportation. And yet I feel so liberated. its quite strange how I feel like I have everything I need. I somehow managed to snag a job on my first day of searching. (Overnight stock crew at stop and shop.) But I need an ny state id and a social security card before I start. :l

edit:// thought i posted this a week ago but apparently not. still waiting for my social. my gma cleaned out my room and found my thought book... its just a book that i used to write in when i got high and its filled with random shit i wanted out of my mind... the fact that shes read it is extremely unsettling... i hope she doesnt keep it.


i really hate cowards that have to use being vagueness as a veil to hide behind because they cant man up. a friend of such a caliber should never say the things they do; an enemy wouldnt see the light of day. i realize my hypocrisy i just dont wanna be the one to push em over that thin line and lose a friend.

on another note another thing i cant stand is when people assume they have themselves so figured out... only to complain about the same fucking things over and over and over again. obviously u dont have a clue. so stop acting like you got it all figured out.

and mom... GROW THE FUCK UP.
<\rant>
They make a deal when they come to town
The Sunday swap meet is a battle ground
She loves him more than he would ever know
He loves her more than he would ever show
this man cave has potential.
shoulda done this 3 years ago.